Gloriously Inadequate

"Okay, Hannah.  We've looked at your application for a position to serve food in the cafeteria at this hospital, and we've decided to hire you on as a nurse.  We know you have absolutely no training, but that's where we want you."

What?  That's ridiculous.  I'm not qualified to do that.  I'm going to fail, and someone's going to get hurt.  I can't.  

That's a little how I've been feeling, like God has asked me to go somewhere and serve Him in ways that I simply can't.   I just can't.  I feel inadequate.  And it's not just that I feel inadequate, it's that I know I am.  I'm not wise enough, loving enough, patient enough, strong enough, selfless enough, humble enough...I'm not enough.   I'm too ignorant and proud and selfish and weak. 

Sometimes I feel scared of misrepresenting Christ, scared of making mistakes in Jesus' name and messing up others' view of Him.  I know that I'm fully capable of making every mistake in the book, and fully incapable of doing anything perfectly.  

There are situations that God has put me in that I have never been in before, problems He's set in front of me that I have never had to solve, places He's taken me that I don't recognize.  Like He plops me in the middle of a jungle and tells me to find my way through, or gives me an edge-less puzzle and tells me to put it together without a reference photo.  

But, this is what I love.  He knows I'm not able.  He knows that on my own, I will fail.  Every time.  BUT.  

Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:57).  He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).  I can be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord my labor is not in vain (1 Corinthians 15:58).  When I thought, "My foot slips!", His steadfast love held me up (Psalm 94:18).  His word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path (Psalm 119:105).  

I think this is absolutely amazing.  God can and will glorify himself through us, even us, the imperfect people that we are.  The Holy Spirit is with us.  He's guiding us, giving us strength.  Everything isn't up to us, it's up to God.  And he's so much bigger than we are.  I am so at peace when I understand this.  I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning (Psalm 59:16).  Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.  So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands (Psalm 63:3-4).  

The Rules

Story:  I was sitting at the table in my room, checking my Facebook, when a HUGE moth went flying by my head.  Its wing span was probably half a foot.  "How in the world did that get into my room?!?!  My door's been closed all day!"  I turned around and started getting up to shoe the moth out of my room when I realized it wasn't a moth.  It was a BAT.  Okay.  Bats aren't annoying or gross or anything when they're just flying around in the dark outside. They're eating mosquitoes and other annoying bugs, anyways, so who cares?  They never bother anyone.  But when one is flying around in circles under the ceiling fan in the middle of your tiny apartment, they aren't so nice.  I tried opening the door wide so maybe it would fly away and be free...or free me, rather...but for some reason it decided that circling my room and getting whopped by the fan blades every few seconds was a better idea.  It eventually got hit one too many times, and thunk it was lying under my chair.  It was actually kind of fuzzy, and maybe a little cute.  Maybe.  Anyways, after being prodded with a towel (I wasn't doing the prodding, another guy from staff housing came and helped me), the little guy flew away.

Apparently, the hole in the corner of the ceiling above my shower is the perfect size for bats from the attic to come visit me.  I stuffed a washcloth in the hole.  That should keep them out, for a little while, at least.  The new rule is that no bats are allowed in my room.

Last week was probably the most stretching week I've had so far teaching.  One of the missionary grandkids I'm teaching, who's 11, and I had a little bit of a difficult time, for different reasons which just seemed to all pile up on both sides at the same time...a new hard family situation at home for him, I was tired, he was getting tired of school, etc.  Mostly it was me saying, "This is the rule, and that's what you have to stick to" or "This is what we're going to do now" and then the lack of desire to follow the rule or do the work on the other side and the ensuing arguing/complaining/yelling.  When it comes to disagreements or power-struggles, it's hard for me to know when to insist and be strict and when to give in and show gentle love.  I tend to ere on the firm side when it comes to rules and obedience.  I know, though, that always smacking down on disrespect or deceit or whatever isn't necessarily the most effective method of teaching and the best way to love...  I could use prayer for wisdom in that area, and patience and humility, as well.  I want to be a good teacher and example to my students.

I went walking on the beach with Sarah and Rebekah Pirkle, two MK's, on Sunday afternoon.  In case anyone is wondering if Honduras is beautiful or not, here are two of some pictures I took.

"I Can't Help Falling in Love..."

I love it here.

I love going out into the town at night, when it's cool and the stars are bright and everyone is relaxing.

On Tuesday evening, I went with the Aldens and their team to eat dinner in Rio Esteban at Rosy's.  Rosy has a restaurant right on the beach, and if you make reservations, she'll get people to help her make all the food and have dinner ready for you.  She serves seafood - shrimp, conch, lobster - as well as chicken, coleslaw, fried plantains, ceviche, and rice and beans.  It's all delicious.  Plus, she makes incredible lemonade.  I heard her secret is adding a little vanilla.

We ate dinner on the second story of the building.  The roof was thatched, and the walls were just railing and posts.  There was a great view of Rio Esteban and the ocean.

Afterwards, as I was standing in the back of one of the trucks on the way home, I realized that I have finally completely fallen in love.  Hearing Laila, one of the little students from the bilingual school, shout, "Hannah, Hannah!" as we passed her house warmed my heart like a cup of hot chocolate does on a winter day.  The breeze in my face and the stars in the sky, the lonely horse on the side of the road and the snake that slithers away as we drive by - I love all these things.  

Thursday afternoon, the bilingual school marched through Balfate along with all the other schools in our area.  When the school bus, which was 40 minutes late, finally stopped by the hospital, it was completely full.  Normally, non-school people can get a ride on the school bus too, they just have to pay.  But today, the driver told the other people waiting with me, "Solo la gringa."  All the kids had their marching costumes on, and were holding their batons or pompoms or umbrellas or drumsticks.  

It took almost an hour to get everyone from all the schools organized and ready to march.  That day, many people were holding umbrellas to shade themselves from the sun while we waited and then, when we finally got going, while we marched.  We walked all around the town and at the end of the route each school did a little final presentation for the school directors.  After my school finished marching, Delmy and Deslinn, two teachers at the bilingual school, and I stood with the crowd and watched the other schools go by.  

When I finally got home that night, it was dark outside.  I thought I might miss my bus stop because I don't normally come from that direction and out here in the country, there aren't exactly signs and noticeable landmarks.  But I didn't.  

Thursday morning I left with the Younts to drive to Siguatepeque, a city which is about seven hours away in the mountains, for a missionary conference.  We bought two bags of lichas to eat along the way (I love those things) and stopped at a gas station to have lunch at the restaurant there.  

A licha seed, the meat part, and the whole fruit

The conference was great.  There were probably 20 missionary couples/families as well as about 10 or 15 single people there.  The speaker for the adult sessions was David Howard, and he and his wife came from the States to speak.  He is Elizabeth Elliot's brother and was Jim Elliot's best friend.  He and his wife were missionaries for 30-some years in Colombia, I think, and he had a lot of stories to tell and wisdom to share, besides the fact that he was a great speaker.  

He talked about Peter - his calling, his failures, his restoration, his growth, and his triumphs.  I know a lot of people say that Peter is their favorite Bible character because he messed up and so he is more relate-able, but I think he really is one of my favorites after this weekend.  His life is such a perfect example of God's grace, his love, his power.  I think now one of my favorite Bible stories is in John 21, when Peter sees Jesus waiting on the shore for him after he's just fished all night and caught nothing.  I had never thought before about the fact that this was the first time that Peter had really talked with Jesus after his death.  After having betrayed Jesus, he probably had given up hope of ever having the same relationship with Jesus again, of being close to him again.  But here, Jesus sort of starts all over with him and says, "Follow me."  He lets him know that he's forgiven, that he loves him.    

One highlight of the conference for almost everyone was the temperature.  It was cool enough in the mountains (75 degrees in the morning, maybe?) that I wore a sweatshirt every morning and evening, and at night you couldn't just sleep with a sheet.  You had to have a blanket or you would freeze.  This was SO wonderful.  Even though I'm used to the heat here in Balfate now, it was so cozy to be able to wear long sleeves and wrap up in a blanket.  We all had fun with that. 

I had such a great time hanging out with all the girls and meeting new people.  It was so nice to have a free weekend to just spend time with each other and get to know one another and make memories.  

Sarah, Jenna, me, and Rebekah